pretentious-ish

If you're an asshole and you know it, you're in the right place

You’re Beautiful because you’re classically trained.
I’m ugly because I associate piano wire with strangulation.
You’re beautiful because you stop to read the cards in newsagents’ windows about lost cats and missing dogs.
I’m ugly because of what I did to that jellyfish with a lolly-stick and a big stone.
You’re beautiful because for you, politeness is instinctive, not a marketing campaign.
I’m ugly because desperation is impossible to hide.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You’re beautiful because you believe in coincidence and the power of thought.
I’m ugly because I proved God to be a mathematical impossibility
You’re beautiful because you prefer home-made soup to the packet stuff.
I’m ugly because once, at a dinner party, I defended the aristocracy and wasn’t even drunk.
You’re beautiful because you can’t work the remote control.
I’m ugly because of satellite television and twenty-four hour rolling news.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You’re beautiful because you cry at weddings as well as funerals.
I’m ugly because I think of children as another species from a different world.
You’re beautiful because you look great in any colour including red.
I’m ugly because I think shopping is strictly for the acquisition of material goods.
You’re beautiful because when you were born, undiscovered planets lined up to peep over the rim of your cradle and lay gifts of gravity and light at your miniature feet.
I’m ugly for saying ‘love at first sight’ is another form of mistaken identity and that the most human of all responses is to gloat.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You’re beautiful because you’ve never seen the inside of a car-wash,
I’m ugly because I always ask for a receipt.
You’re beautiful for sending a box of shoes to the third world.
I’m ugly because I remember the telephone numbers of ex-girlfriends and the year Schubert was born.
You’re beautiful because you sponsored a parrot in a zoo.
I’m ugly because when I sigh it’s like the slow collapse of a circus tent.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You’re beautiful because you can point at a man in a uniform and laugh.
I’m ugly because I was a police informer in a previous life.
You’re beautiful because you drink a litre of water and eat three pieces of fruit a day.
I’m ugly for taking the line that a meal without meat is a beautiful woman with one eye.
You’re beautiful because you don’t see love as a competition and you know how to lose.
I’m ugly because I kissed the FA Cup then held it up to the crowd.

You’re beautiful because of a single buttercup in the top buttonhole of your cardigan.
I’m ugly because I said the World’s Strongest Woman was a muscleman in a dress.
You’re beautiful because you couldn’t live in a lighthouse.
I’m ugly for making hand-shadows in front of the giant bulb, so when they look up, the captains of vessels in distress see the ears of a rabbit, or the eye of a fox, or the legs of a galloping black horse.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

—   

You’re Beautiful 

-Simon Armitage

conceptionandcreation:

laughterneverdies:

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT 

I love Tolstoy’s comment. He’s so done with Nietzsche’s shit that he can’t even be bothered to throw out anything but a “you’re stupid!”

conceptionandcreation:

laughterneverdies:

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT 

I love Tolstoy’s comment. He’s so done with Nietzsche’s shit that he can’t even be bothered to throw out anything but a “you’re stupid!”

(Source: thetroublewithfakepolaroids)

microself:

anotsaint:

microself:

The full-length album I’ve been working on for several months will finally be release tonight at MIDNIGHT EASTERN TIME. 

The album is titled Gold Skin Warm Blood and the track list is as follows:

  1. Supernova Ia
  2. 818: A Love Story (featuring Blake Holland)
  3. Harpagisometha
  4. Choke A Pig
  5. Gold Skin Warm Blood (featuring Blake Holland)
  6. Close Encounter of the Second Kind
  7. Redshift
  8. Drunk & Towed
  9. Scum Crawl
  10. If You Scream In The Ocean Does Anyone Hear You Drown
  11. The Fall
  12. We Shall Be Carried Off (Featuring Peter Van Winkle and Jimmy Reinhardt)

The digital download of this album is free or pay-what-you want and there are also physical CDs. Each CD was made individually so they’re all unique. Physical CDs are $7 and can be purchased on the album’s Bandcamp page or by contacting me personally. 

Please share this post and listen to the album when it’s out! I worked really hard and feel like bits of my soul exist in these songs and the stories they tell. 

I had the pleasure of both working with Isaac on these two tracks and getting an early listen of the album in last week. I can’t say enough great things about it.

I’ve followed Isaac’s music from the early stages, I gave vocals to a song on his EP released this summer, and we’ve now collaborated (and will continue one collaboration) on two short films of mine. We just work well together, and that’s because of Isaac’s sensibilities when it comes to the relationship between music and emotion.

There’s a wonderful narrative going on in Gold Skin Warm Blood. It sounds so fully realized. It’s dense and complicated, and yet the production holds its ground. It’s just miles and miles better than anything I’ve heard from him before and this leap has happened in such a short amount of time.

Give it a listen tomorrow! It’s good for winter nights, walks and drives.

15 minutes until release!

(Source: isaachelsen, via isaachelsen)

theparisreview:


1. Turkey Cocktail: To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.2. Turkey à la Francais: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage pudding.3. Turkey and Water: Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled, drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.4. Turkey Mongole: Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton, from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.5. Turkey Mousse: Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.6. Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn’t noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg—well, anyhow, beat it.7. Turkey à la Crême: Prepare the crême a day in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.8. Turkey Hash: This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it. Like a lobster, it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around. Only then is it ready for hash. To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or, if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose—and then get at it! Hash it well! Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.9. Feathered Turkey: To prepare this, a turkey is necessary and a one pounder cannon to compel anyone to eat it. Broil the feathers and stuff with sage-brush, old clothes, almost anything you can dig up. Then sit down and simmer. The feathers are to be eaten like artichokes (and this is not to be confused with the old Roman custom of tickling the throat.)10. Turkey à la Maryland: Take a plump turkey to a barber’s and have him shaved, or if a female bird, given a facial and a water wave. Then, before killing him, stuff with old newspapers and put him to roost. He can then be served hot or raw, usually with a thick gravy of mineral oil and rubbing alcohol. (Note: This recipe was given me by an old black mammy.)11. Turkey Remnant: This is one of the most useful recipes for, though not, “chic,” it tells what to do with the turkey after the holiday, and how to extract the most value from it. Take the remants, or, if they have been consumed, take the various plates on which the turkey or its parts have rested and stew them for two hours in milk of magnesia. Stuff with moth-balls.12. Turkey with Whiskey Sauce: This recipe is for a party of four. Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours. Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest. The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.13. For Weddings or Funerals: Obtain a gross of small white boxes such as are used for bride’s cake. Cut the turkey into small squares, roast, stuff, kill, boil, bake and allow to skewer. Now we are ready to begin. Fill each box with a quantity of soup stock and pile in a handy place. As the liquid elapses, the prepared turkey is added until the guests arrive. The boxes delicately tied with white ribbons are then placed in the handbags of the ladies, or in the men’s side pockets.

Thirteen ideas for your leftover turkey, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

theparisreview:

1. Turkey Cocktail: To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.

2. Turkey à la Francais: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage pudding.

3. Turkey and Water: Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled, drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.

4. Turkey Mongole: Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton, from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.

5. Turkey Mousse: Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.

6. Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn’t noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg—well, anyhow, beat it.

7. Turkey à la Crême: Prepare the crême a day in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.

8. Turkey Hash: This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it. Like a lobster, it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around. Only then is it ready for hash. To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or, if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose—and then get at it! Hash it well! Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.

9. Feathered Turkey: To prepare this, a turkey is necessary and a one pounder cannon to compel anyone to eat it. Broil the feathers and stuff with sage-brush, old clothes, almost anything you can dig up. Then sit down and simmer. The feathers are to be eaten like artichokes (and this is not to be confused with the old Roman custom of tickling the throat.)

10. Turkey à la Maryland: Take a plump turkey to a barber’s and have him shaved, or if a female bird, given a facial and a water wave. Then, before killing him, stuff with old newspapers and put him to roost. He can then be served hot or raw, usually with a thick gravy of mineral oil and rubbing alcohol. (Note: This recipe was given me by an old black mammy.)

11. Turkey Remnant: This is one of the most useful recipes for, though not, “chic,” it tells what to do with the turkey after the holiday, and how to extract the most value from it. Take the remants, or, if they have been consumed, take the various plates on which the turkey or its parts have rested and stew them for two hours in milk of magnesia. Stuff with moth-balls.

12. Turkey with Whiskey Sauce: This recipe is for a party of four. Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours. Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest. The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.

13. For Weddings or Funerals: Obtain a gross of small white boxes such as are used for bride’s cake. Cut the turkey into small squares, roast, stuff, kill, boil, bake and allow to skewer. Now we are ready to begin. Fill each box with a quantity of soup stock and pile in a handy place. As the liquid elapses, the prepared turkey is added until the guests arrive. The boxes delicately tied with white ribbons are then placed in the handbags of the ladies, or in the men’s side pockets.

Thirteen ideas for your leftover turkey, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

theparisreview:

“I see every book as a problem that you have to solve.”
RIP Nobel laureate Doris Lessing, who passed away last night at the age of ninety-four. Read her 1988 interview here.

theparisreview:

“I see every book as a problem that you have to solve.”

RIP Nobel laureate Doris Lessing, who passed away last night at the age of ninety-four. Read her 1988 interview here.


E. E. Cummings

E. E. Cummings

(Source: qualiteas, via conceptionandcreation)

“He knows how to properly use a semi-colon. My heart is melting.”

—   C

booksandpublishing:

cloudyskiesandcatharsis:

Fictitious Dishes, Famous Meals From Literature by Dinah Fried

This is the best thing on the internet right now.

(via conceptionandcreation)

“It’s really an exceptionally pretentious work.”

—   C, in regards to T.S. Eliot’s “The Wasteland”

Ernest Hemingway to F. Scott Fitzgerald: “Kiss My Ass”
Hemingway once sent F. Scott Fitzgerald a typescript of A Farewell to Arms. Fitzgerald sent back ten pages of edits and comments, signing off with “A beautiful book it is!”. You can see Hemingway’s first reaction above (signed EH).

therainbowfishy:

The Bibliophile Postcard Set is finished! Prints are up in my etsy shop.

(via vinkhax)

dustjacketlust:

This has been a sad week, and DJL is only just catching up. Here is a beautiful edition of the late Seamus Heaney’s 1969 collection Door into the Dark.
***
The Peninsula
When you have nothing more to say, just driveFor a day all round the peninsula.The sky is tall as over a runway,The land without marks, so you will not arriveBut pass through, though always skirting landfall.At dusk, horizons drink down sea and hill,The ploughed field swallows the whitewashed gableAnd you’re in the dark again. Now recallThe glazed foreshore and silhouetted log,That rock where breakers shredded into rags,The leggy birds stilted on their own legs,Islands riding themselves out into the fog,And drive back home, still with nothing to sayExcept that now you will uncode all landscapesBy this: things founded clean on their own shapes,Water and ground in their extremity.

dustjacketlust:

This has been a sad week, and DJL is only just catching up. Here is a beautiful edition of the late Seamus Heaney’s 1969 collection Door into the Dark.

***

The Peninsula

When you have nothing more to say, just drive
For a day all round the peninsula.
The sky is tall as over a runway,
The land without marks, so you will not arrive

But pass through, though always skirting landfall.
At dusk, horizons drink down sea and hill,
The ploughed field swallows the whitewashed gable
And you’re in the dark again. Now recall

The glazed foreshore and silhouetted log,
That rock where breakers shredded into rags,
The leggy birds stilted on their own legs,
Islands riding themselves out into the fog,

And drive back home, still with nothing to say
Except that now you will uncode all landscapes
By this: things founded clean on their own shapes,
Water and ground in their extremity.

“I just wish that that those classes were open to only English majors because everyone else doesn’t know what’s going on.”

—   D.E.